Standing O or Hell No: The Critics Choice Awards

regina kingLast night I was watching an old episode of The Americans. Two of the female leads were commiserating on their relationships and the Kerri Russel character, Elizabeth, sighs and says, "Marriage is complicated."  Indeed.  Her husband is a KGB operative who just cheated on her with an old love. Her friend, Sandra, has an FBI agent for a husband and he is having an ongoing affair with a Russian spy.  I nodded in agreement that, yes, marriage IS complicated.  My husband built an actual ice skating rink in our back yard and decided to fill it with our hose which burned out our well pump and left us without water for the last two days.  This situation was further complicated by the fact that I not only have the flu but also strep throat and a scratched cornea.  And two small children who I will list along with my ailments.  I bemoaned my fate along side the ladies of The Americans because the struggle truly IS real. Later I tried to suppress my emotions by drowning myself in the dresses from the Critics Choice Awards.  However, many of the dresses, including Regina King's, (above) were just as complicated as marriage.   To that I say Hell No, Regina.

OK- let's try to breathe some LIFE into this post.  For me and last night's awards all of the oxygen was here:

Rachel McAdamsRachel McAdams slayed it in Elie Saab.  As did Helen Miran below:

helen miranThis Dolce and Gabbana printed gown is stunning on her.

Alicia Vikander CriticsAnd finally we have life via Alicia Vikander in Mary Katrantzou.  Standing O to these three lovelies.  If it wasn't for you, I might've drowned my husband in the slushy end of the ice skating rink.

Standing O or Hell No: Golden Globes 2016

Jennifer-Lopez-Dress-Golden-Globe-Awards-2016Sometimes you need to experience the low form of something in order to truly appreciate the high form of that very same thing.  For instance, burgers at Keens taste even more heavenly if you've eaten at McDonald's.  The juxtaposition highlights intrinsic value.  And so it goes with exhibitionism.  Yesterday afternoon I got on an uptown N train, sat down, and looked up to see three twenty-somethings in their underpants.  Yes, No Pants Subway Ride.  I was not phased by the underwear (although it was twee) and similarly was not overly phased by the lack of hygiene associated with this stunt (note to the pants-less - please consult a razor before stepping outside).  The thing I found the most ludicrous and obscene was the fact that the subway car was relatively empty and these fools chose to STAND THE WHOLE TIME.  (It is customary for people to shove grandmothers in order to get a seat.)  As mentioned, hygiene was not on their minds so effectively they forewent seats ONLY for the sake of exhibitionism.  This trio was on my mind when two hours later I tuned into the Golden Globes and  witnessed another form of exhibitionism.  It goes without saying which form I preferred. Without further ado I'm going to declare J Lo's Giambattista Valli (and her 240 carats!!) my favorite look of the evening.  Because it was exactly that - a LOOK.  You can say what you want about her but she knows how to deliver the DRAMA.  The mustard color of the gown is stunning and all the more perfect against her skin.  The red lip is glory itself.  The jewels/bag/shoes were integrated perfectly and to great effect and although the cape has been controversial, I love it because it's different.  I'll concede that the draping of the cape from the back was not flawless but so be it.  STANDING O, J LO!


kirsten dunst_globesI wonder how many "Golden GLOBES" jokes Kirsten Dunst had to endure last evening.  For what it's worth, they do look absolutely perfect.  I'm not always a fan of her sartorial choices but I think she's slaying it in this velvet Valentino.  Her entire head looks lovely and her spare but elegant jewelry allow the dress (and her chest) to take center stage.  She's a true student of the if-you've-got-it-flaunt-it school of thought.  Standing O!


Alicia VikanderI immediately loved this Vuitton on Alicia Vikander when I saw her in motion on the carpet last night.  Admittedly it does not translate as well to the static nature of photos.  But I will comment on it none-the-less because I was struck by her red carpet arrival.  She was a vision - fresh and youthful.  I loved her playful vibe - especially for the Globes - and I adored the much debated open back because it was the perfect foil to the front of the dress:

Alicia Vikander 2Note to readers:  This woman dates Michael Fassbender on the regular.   Is anyone else concerned about the global warming effects of that much hotness being concentrated in one place?  Further note: Standing O!


cate globes 2016Can we all just agree that no other woman on the face of this earth could even attempt to pull off this zany Givenchy?  And yet somehow Cate Blanchett's ethereal beauty makes it work despite all odds.  It's beyond nutty and yet overall she remains looking elegant and regal.  I give Cate's head and her presence a Standing O and the rest of this look a So-S0.


kate hudson globesAnd then this happened.  By the way Kate Hudson is standing I gather she also felt something was amiss.  Was it the worst look of the night?  No.  But almost.  Those shoes alone are enough to give me nightmares but why did someone feel the need to snip out the center of this otherwise promising dress and then tie that scrap around her neck?  I'm vehemently against this look.  There are no more words except, of course, Hell No.


jane-fonda-golden-globes-2016-504390220-419x630In my third grade ballet recital I had to dress as a porcelain doll.  My costume looked eerily similar to Jane Fonda's dress above AND the weird doll below:

clown_globesThese are not points of merit.  Hell No, Jane.

Waiter!!  A palate cleanser for my readers, please!

leonardo-dicaprio-golden-globesStanding O, Leo.  Always.



Standing O or Hell No: Cate Blanchett

cate b_palm springsI've spotted quite a few articles these past few days regarding post-holiday blues.  Dear Readers, put those depression-bon-bons down and raise your glasses up because there remains so much to celebrate: the beginning of 2016, the commencement of awards season, and the fact that Cate Blanchett remains flawless (which is her inalienable right)! This Marc Jacobs dress is a total home run and a perfect first step onto the yards and yards of red carpet that she will walk this year.  The gown's blue hue highlights her eyes as perfectly as the cut highlights her shape.  The gold applique is glitzy but elegant and the addition of a single, chunky gold bracelet is divine.  As is the woman herself.  If I exhibited even the slightest stalker tendencies, CB would have cause to worry.  And cause to request an injunction.  Standing O, as usual! So do not fret, friends.  Simply begin planning the viewing parties you will throw for the Golden Globes, SAG Awards, Grammys, and Oscars!

Standing O or Hell No: Cate Blanchett

cate-blanchett-carol-premiere-london-GettyImages-492638772-510x764 I once read a blog post decreeing that this lady has Carte Blanchett when it comes to fashion.  Hilarious and true in equal measures!  Who else could get away with this level of complexity let alone SELL IT as convincingly as she?  On most other women, even the most gorgeous, this would take on a costumey overtone that would undercut the look. On Cate, however, this Enrique Cortezar is divine.  Let's peep the back, shall we?


cate-blanchett-2 -carol-premiere-london-GettyImages-492639978-510x760

There is an element of sheer madness in this get-up yet it only registers as a perfect composition.  (By the way, why when I am viewing these photos is the song "How Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees running on a loop in my head?)  How about just one more view because, can we really get enough of her splendor?




Standing O, Hell No, or So-So: Emmys 2015

gaga_emmy 2015I feel about this look the way a parent must feel when their once obstreperous child graduates from a notable university.  The years of tantrums were worth enduring to experience this glowing moment.  Standing O, Lady G, for coming around full circle to elegance (even despite the weird hip embellishment and the gown being slightly too long.)  

ellie-kemper-emmys-2015-GettyImages-489371092-419x623Regular readers of my blog know that I would become Naeem Khan's minion if he would only allow it.  I would be more than happy to be subjugated by anyone involved in the making of this gloriously unique, exceedingly fun, and exquisitely beautiful gown.  Ellie Kemper is doing it justice for sure.  Standing O!


Zoe KazanSpeaking of exceedingly fun, big ups to Miu Miu for creating this diaphanous dress!  The stripes and asymmetrical chandelier neck detail bring youth and a sense of humor to the look while still remaining sophisticated.  I'm not in love with Zoe's hair but, to be fair, it was 103 degrees on the red carpet so I'm going to blame it on the oppressive heat.


jaimie-alexanderI feel like this look will be polarizing.  I haven't read what others think but their opinions be damned because I am in love.  The fit is perfect, the colors are on trend, and the sparkle factor is serious.  Jaimie Alexander is pulling off this Armani Prive with a tremendous amount of conviction.  Standing O!


heidi emmy 2015I'd like to know whose mother Heidi Klum insulted over at the House of Versace.  Hell NO! dress is putting the gross in Naomi Grossman.  Hell No.


renee-bargh-emmy-awards-2015-092015If ever there was a question about the necessity of stylists, Renee Bargh's ensemble reveals the answer which, of course, is Absolutely!  Hell No, girl.


kerri washingtonLet it first be said that Kerri Washington is a total stunner and she is SELLING this Marc Jacobs dress.  Overall her look is working but somehow I just can't get on board with the heaviness of the hardware at the bottom.  Much like the transition from a Sunday to a Monday, the super sheer to super embellished aspect feels abrupt to me.  I know everyone else is going insane over this look but I'm giving Kerri a Standing O and the dress a So-So.



Standing O or Hell No: 2015 VMAs

Miley 2015 VMAThose of you who know me well are aware that I've spent a good deal of the last 2.5 years restoring a 1799 stone farmhouse.  I've looked at a TON of lighting and I'm fairly certain I've seen Miley's crotch-chandelier in the Crystorama collection.  I'd like to recommend these sconces to go with it.   (Obvi HELL NO!)  

kimye 2015 VMAsI feel a bit about Kim and Kanye as I used to about Katie and Tom.  It's clear (to me) that he's holding her against her will for his own selfish gain.  He's also forcing her to dress like an idiot.  Kanye, she's naturally curvy AND pregnant to boot.  Why in the name of all that is good and holy would you pad out her shoulders AND assign saddle bags to her hips? Before you, she knew exactly how to flatter her figure and do her hair and make up.  Oh hell no to this mess.


Britney 2015 VMAsIncidentally this is the same facial expression that my 3 year old wore today to her first day of pre-school (i.e. scared to death).  Thankfully the two ladies did not wear the same dress.  However, Lilli would've fit this one better in the chest than Britney does.  I am still crossing my fingers for a come back, Britney, but hell no to this outfit and to the very strange hue of your hair.


lily-aldridgeLily Aldridge's dress isn't sending me over the moon on its own but the way she looks in it is.  I respect that she intentionally played her accessories down and allowed that neckline to speak.  Perhaps she could have a word with Miley.  Standing O!


kat-grahamI love that Kat Graham chose this darling Versace number.  It's bright and playful and chic and, in short (also IT'S short!) perfect for the VMAs.  And, her hair is tops.  As well as her face.  And those legs.  STANDING O!!

Standing O or Hell No: Rihanna

rihanna_crazy house dressIf Tom Ford is right that nothing has more influence over fashion than photos of Rihanna, then we are in deep dark trouble, my friends.  A few days ago she was headed out to dinner in NYC wearing this insane house dress.  That's right - out to dinner not inside with the blinds drawn house-cleaning, and, yes, in NYC not Ashtabula, Ohio.  I'm going to seek comfort by assuming that strong drugs were involved in this outfit choice. Either way, Hell No, Ri Ri.  When you possess the ability to look as majestic as you do below, the above should never come into focus. ri2

Standing O or Hell No: Cannes Film Festival 2015

Lupita_CannesAnd now for a confession from the Wardrobe Whisperer.  The first time I visited Cannes it was one week after the film festival.  One of my best friends and I were hoofing it across Europe and were joined by an acquaintance we'll call Steve.  Turns out he was a bit of a nuisance.  Specifically he was a terrible blow-hard, a Mr. Know it All, and he talked incessantly.  Not a good formula for a 24/7 travel companion.  Needless to say, after 3 days we were OVER him.  And yet he followed us around like a puppy which, given my friend's extraordinary beauty, did not shock me.  The situation became grim when we realized our next train ride was 14 hours.  With him.  We fretted, we tried to ditch him, and yet he remained tenacious.  A quick stop at a local pharmacy and a tiny bottle of sleeping pills later, we had a plan.  Did I mention Steve was a doughnut addict?  Bait in hand, we augmented the cream with a pill (or two?) and presented our "gift" to him on the train platform prior to boarding.  30 minutes later he yawned.  45 minutes later he snoozed.  And then the train stopped.  Dead.  It was 1am and they announced a train strike.  (Only the French wait until 1am to go on strike!)  We'd all have to de-board and re-route.  Evidently, a groggy Steve that needs to be dragged from ticket agent to ticket agent and platform to platform is worse than a Steve that never shuts up.  What is the moral of this story, you may ask?  Don't drug your friends?  Don't trifle with Wardrobe Whisperer?  Don't count on the French not to go on strike?  I'm not really sure, I just needed to get that off my shoulders.  Speaking of shoulders, let's talk about the gowns at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival! Now Lupita Nyong'O is a girl you'd want to hot foot all over Europe with.  Decidedly I'd let her talk my ear off on the Eurail any time!  Clearly, as evidenced by the shot above, this lady knows how to have a good time.  This Gucci that she wore to the opening ceremonies was glorious!  The color, the knife pleats, the floral shoulders all bring just the right amount of glamor without looking like she tried too hard - she has an easy elegance about her.  Standing O, as usual, for my fashion soul-mate.


Naomi_cannesDoes Wardrobe Whisperer play favorites?  OF COURSE!  But, only when they are well deserved like Elie Saab who consistently produces gowns like this majestic number on Naomi Watts.  Also, the accessories are perfect- from the giant necklace to the black and white bag.  Standing O!!


Viann_ZhangOn a positive note, Viann Zhang has a real sense of occasion although, sadly, I'm not sure I (or she) knows what occasion that is.  I somehow wish she wore this to the Met Gala this year.  Sure, it's kooky but it would have been on theme for China:  Through the Looking Glass.  For Cannes, it feels too garish and too costume-y:  Hell no!


parker and emmaThis last one is just for fun.  Sure I love Emma's Oscar de la Renta and her sexy ombre shoes but what I love even more is imagining her hijinks with Parker Posey (left).  If I were to cast the movie of the story in my intro, these two girls would be on my short list.  Standing O for making me giggle!

Standing O or Hell No: Met Gala 2015

Met Gala 2015_RiA number of years ago I was invited to a costume party in Midtown (red flag number one).  I was June Cleaver in a red vintage house dress circa 1950s, a sweet red/white/blue vintage half-apron and corresponding oven mitt (same era).  Tom was Ward with Brill cream in his hair and the requisite cardigan.  We showed up with a big bottle of Belvedere and departed moments later when the hostess stashed away our contribution (red flag number two: "I'm going to save this for when I'm drinking alone!") and ushered us to a table with one opened, but almost finished, jug of wine (red flag number three).  We headed straight back to Brooklyn to attend a party which ended up to be a terrific and perfect rager (Kerri Russel was there and rumors were floating that Bill Murray was there too).  And that concluded my days of attending costume parties - I like to end on a high note. Despite the story I just related, I will still ogle costume parties!  Especially when they also happen to be the biggest social event in the city:  The Met Gala.  This year's theme was "China:  Through the Looking Glass."  Yes, dear readers, I have intuited your thoughts: Who in their right mind would allow celebrities to interpret this tricky cultural theme?  The answer is Anna Wintour.  She's like a police man who sits in a speed trap.  Let's review those who did it well and those who will require a translator for any future events.

Standing O for Rihanna, above and below, in Guo Pei.  The Met Ball is not only about the interpretation of the theme but also about the level of drama a look delivers.  Ri Ri scores BIG, literally and figuratively, on each front.


Another favorite...

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - ArrivalsKarolina Kurkova, as usual, knocked it out of the park:  the color, the satin fabric, the chinoiserie, and the snake pumps all expressed the theme perfectly!  The Chinese should find a way to take credit for her legs too because they look magnificent.  Standing-O!  Keep them coming...


Bee ShafferAgain we see red and chinoiserie but this floor length stunner includes a giant bird on the back!  Who can resist the scale of that thing? Marvelous and on point, evocative but not offensive.  Standing O, Bee Shaffer.  Next, please:


cara_delThere's always someone who does the anti-dress and, in my opinion, it either goes very well or very, very poorly.  Cara Delevingne delivered this atypical interpretation and I give her a Standing O!  The tattoos are not only in her wheel-house but also in the wheel-house (pagoda?) of the event.

Pray tell, fashion lovers, what the next string of outfits have to do with ANYTHING, least of all the Chinese influence on Western fashion:

beyonce-met-gala-met-ball-2015-china-472181284-390x600What was the thought behind (no pun intended) this??  "The Chinese like to get naked, and so do we Westerners!"  Hell No, Beyonce.


kim-kardashian-met-gala-met-ball-china-2015-472171516-510x540I feel that at the core of this idea exists some Kanye-style rhyme starting with the night's theme, "Looking-GLASS" and ending with "Kim's A*s."  I just accidentally typed Standing No.  But I think it applies here so I will leave it.

And, finally, (although I could go on and on...) this choice number:

katy met ballKaty, the theme was NOT Brooklyn: Through the Looking Glass.  Which begs the question - is this dress at all relevant?  Hell No.

Standing O, Hell No, or So So: The 2015 Grammys

beyonce-grammys-2015-4630297241-419x577Prince Humperdinck famously said to the Princess in The Princess Bride, "Please consider me as an alternative to suicide."; And so do the 2015 Grammy dresses say to their wearers.  To me the dresses being lauded as the "best" were not fashion suicide but neither were they the equivalent of fashion's eternal life.  Take Beyonce (above) in Proenza Schouler.  She looks pretty, if a tad witchy, but she is MUSIC ROYALTY, people!  She should be blowing our minds on music's biggest night of the year.  Why is this gown not red or orange or purple?!  In black, despite her sexy curves, this feels too Morticia Addams for my taste.  Ergo:  So-So.  

Rihanna_Grammys_2015Today fashion folks are tripping all over themselves (as I imagine Rihanna must've been doing in this voluminous Giambattista Valli) to herald this as a fashion triumph.  The color and texture are charming in the extreme but, to me, she looks like a cross between a bath puff and a Barbie cake topper.  I do like that she went BIG, however, as the night demands but this runway piece did not strike the right chord (musical pun intended) for this event.  Therefore:  So-So.


Katy_Grammys_2015Onto Katy Perry in Zuhair Murad.  This is a bit confounding because, again, this is the Grammys.  This is the event where people trot our their CRAZY.  And who, at the moment, proffers crazy like it is her job (because it quite literally IS HER JOB)?  Katy of course!  She dances with sharks, she wears lollipop bras, she considers a pepperoni pizza onesie a great night-on-the-town outfit!  But at the GRAMMYS she wears a staid (for her) dress?!?  I concede that her body looks sumptuous and I covet her shoes but I wanted some entertainment value and was not obliged.  At the risk of sounding redundant:  So-So.

Ditto for Nicki in Tom Ford:

Nicki-Minaj-at-Grammys-2015-195376You guessed it:  So-So.

Let's evaluate our last look:


Taylor Swift in Elie Saab put forward the one look that I am still pondering (in a good way) today.  I have never endorsed the high/low be it in hairstyles or dresses.  But the execution on this one was so perfect that I am tempted to rethink my position.  The color is magnificent (bonus points for the ombre turn), the bodice with side straps divine, the pairing with purple shoes delicious, and the stiff folds of the longer skirt marvelous.  The mini center skirt gives me pause as it is a shade of Demi Moore at the Oscars all those years ago, but for the Grammys, I think it works.  And she is working IT which makes it a sweeter pill.  I can't quite bring myself to a Standing O but neither is she a mere So-So.  Let's give her a round of applause (whilst still seated) and call it a day.

Standing O, Hell No, or So So: SAG Awards 2015

lupita-nyongo-sag-awards-2015-462197310-390x600And the Red Carpet parade marched on last night with the SAG Awards!   I've never used this phrase with more conviction than when talking about red carpet gowns:  The more, the merrier!  Let's begin with PERFECTION (above):  Lupita Nyong'o in Elie Saab.  This is an amalgamation of all things I love in a gown: drama, print, color, perfect fit, long sleeves, and uniqueness.  Lupita comports herself in such a refined and elegant manner and this gown compliments those attributes along with her sensational beauty.  STANDING O for this look - it was my favorite of the evening.  Onto another stunner: rashida-jones-sag-awards-2015-462191694-419x622I have long considered what would come out of my mouth if I was interviewing stars on the carpet and I've concluded that I'd be too nervous to produce anything of substance.  I don't think, however, that I would say what a TBS interviewer said to Rashida: "You look so TAN!"  Dear friends, Rashida's father is Quincy Jones.  In any case, Standing O, Rashida, for looking magnificent in this graceful gown.  And bonus points for your perfect red lips.

Witness Reese Witherspoon in Armani and Viola Davis in custom Max Mara as they join the sisterhood-of-stunning-white-awards-season-dresses-2015:

reese_SAG_2015viola davis_SAG_2015Standing O, radiant ones!

And who can resist a red head in a green dress?  Certainly not me and certainly not when said red head is Julianne Moore in a Givenchy this utterly magnificent:

Julianne Moore_SAG_2015By the by, girlfriend is likely feeling the gravity of winning that Oscar for many reasons, one of which is that the fashion houses have been spooning out their very best for her this season.  Either way, Standing O!

Now onto THEE most polarizing look of the night.  I know that as someone in fashion, I am supposed to LOVE IT.  It's Dior couture!  It's a RISK!  I get it.  And I respect it.  But do I love it?  No.  Does this mean that she did not look gorgeous?  No.  Does this mean that her overall look failed miserably?  No.  Does this mean that when I saw her in LA this summer, I didn't nearly eject myself from a moving car in order to see her more closely?  Certainly not.  But it does mean that she gets a So-So.  Beautiful hair and make-up and overall polished presentation but a MEH on the dress/blazer-skirt.  Sorry, fashion world, I am a non-conformist on this one:



Standing O or Hell No: Critics' Choice Awards 2015

Diane_Kruger_CCA_2015Brace yourself, people, awards season is upon us.  For me, this is just a merry extension of the holidays:  an excuse to indulge in food and drink and comment critically on the outfits of others. This year's Critics' Choice Movie Awards was a delightful parade of pretty patterns.  Let's begin with my favorite of the night, this Naeem Khan, worn by Diane Kruger (above).  Despite the fact that my mom recently bought two side table lamps for her guest bedroom in this exact pattern, this gown registers as a SUCCESS in my mind.  It's bold, yet feminine and I love how the sleek front is juxtaposed with the voluminous back.  Also it matches the carpet.  Also, the length is perfection.  Standing O, Diane!

Onto another delicious pattern worn by Brie Larson:

Brie_Larson_CCA_2015The length of this gown does not meet the floor with the precision that Diane's does but the overall effect of this dress is divine.  Bonus points for how tiny her waist looks cinched by that darling black bow belt.  Standing O!

Ah, hell, it's Monday- let's look at one more luscious pattern.  Emma, you're up:

Emma_Stone_CCA_2015This one is incredibly exciting to me because it is day-dress-gone-glam.  In my imagination the keyholes, the necktie, and the pattern conferred to add several yards of fabric to their skirt while at the same time creating an uneven and dramatic train.  Standing O for the real life genius who created this, Jason Wu, and to Emma Stone for bringing it to life.

Clearly I am feeling magnanimous today because I'm skipping the Hell No and going for yet another Standing O.  Back to the white gowns ala this year's Golden Globes.  Here is Lupita BRINGING IT, as Kate Hudson just did, in a white form fitting stunner:

Lupita_CCA_2015I know that the top of this looks like it could be worn on the courts at Wimbeldon but somehow this athletic look appears modern and fresh on her.  The fit is tremendous and her skin looks radiant against the crisp white. Come to think of it, I'd love to play tennis with Lupita although given the condition her arms/shoulders appear to be in, I don't think I'd fare very well.

Standing O or Hell No: Golden Globes 2015

rosamund-pike-golden-globes-2015-461349788-419x630You know what I always say...better never than late.  Now twirl:  

rosamund-pike-golden-globes-2015_2I can't decide if the inverse thong bikini on Rosamund Pike's back is better or worse than the ill fitted V on her chest.  I consider it a subtle form of torture to choose and so I leave it up to you.  On fit alone she receives a Hell No.

By contrast, let's glimpse another look, also in white, that receives a Standing O almost solely due to fit:

kate-hudson-golden-globes-2015-461363232-419x630I'm not in love with Kate Hudson's hair (too tight for her ears) or make-up (too heavy brows) and the gown is pretty simple as gowns go, but the perfect fit (and the perfect body of course) makes this look a stone cold stunner.

My favorite overall look of the night, though, was a bit of a dark horse.  Many people weren't in love with this Versace on Jessica Chastain, but I beg to differ (I also beg to look like her but that's another matter):

Jessica Chastain_GoldenGlobes_2015The bronze color is stunning with her hair, the fit is marvelous, and the cut dramatic.  I applaud her for playing the old-Hollywood-glamour card since she's usually more of a pert and pretty girl.  Standing O, Jessica Chastain!


Standing O or Hell No: Angelina in Ralph & Russo

jolie R&R 1Like certain books (The Goldfinch, The Luminaries) and certain movies (Bird Man, Boyhood), and certain foods (Friendly's Jim Dandy sundae, anything with white truffles), certain outfits will keep you thinking of them long after they're over.  Take, for instance, this Ralph & Russo number trotted out to the Unbroken premiere by Angelina Jolie.  I understand that I am anything but au courant in reporting this to you, people of good fashion, as this outfit was worn last week - but I simply can't get it out of my head.  It's so lady-like yet modern and you simply can't argue with the intricacy of the posterior (the dress's, not hers): jolie R&R 2The tiny covered buttons, the cape, the color, the fit all amount to a Standing O.

(Up for consideration:  if you go for a re-wear, Angelina, maybe choose a delicate shoe in a deep red to play off the hint of color in your brooch. The nude pumps are fine but I vote for a teeny splash of color.)

Standing O or Hell No: J Lo at the AMAs

j lo AMAAm I wrong or do you also get the sense that the world's big-bootied girls are going insane in response to Nikki Minaj's Anaconda video and the attention its garnering?  Kim Kardashian, for instance, has just bared it all for Paper Magazine (you can hunt up the fully nude photo yourself).  Then last night J Lo, who surely fancies herself a pioneer in the exploitation of backsides, shows up at the American Music Awards in the above.  I'm faintly surprised this dress highlights her front versus her back but none-the-less you can whiff the desperation.  I do not approve which translates loosely to:  HELL NO, J LO. By contrast, here is what Nikki Minaj wore last night:

nikkiPeople, this was a woman who used to show up to these events in outfits fashioned from cellophane and pipe cleaners.  Girlfriend knows she's killing it right now.  This is the posture (and the outfit) of a woman with supreme confidence.  Even though I'm not drooling over the dress, I will issue a Standing O based on Nikki present versus Nikki past.

Standing O or Hell No: Pepperoni Onesies

katieperrypizzaI know this happened almost two weeks ago (and by THIS I mean Katy Perry in a pizza jumpsuit) but I just can't get over it.  Especially when today I discovered a copy-cat crime (Cara Delevingne no less!): cara-delevingne-AG041938_05-419x651This makes me very, very worried about casual remarks I've made to my clients such as:  "You'd look great in a lime green dress!"  Is there some imminent danger that at this moment someone is senselessly sourcing a dress with limes all over it??  (I'm sure this dress exists.)  I pray not.  I also pray that this rash outbreak of pizza-wear ceases ASAP as possible (in the immortal words of Michael Scott).  Hell No to this awful trend (if, God forbid, that's what this is).

Standing O or Hell No: Kaley Cuoco

KaleyCuocoI feel like this post is a bit of a cheap shot as girlfriend is clearly leaving yoga and not dressed for some major event.  Having said that, I firmly believe that a flower crown is a no-no for anyone, anywhere, at any time (unless you are a 5 year old - or younger- and in a wedding where someone has horrible taste). Actors, of all people, need to understand that they ARE their brand and that it is essential to present a polished look at all times.  With that in mind, here is my open letter to Kaley Cuoco:

Dear Kaley,

I know people say that it's important to maintain a sense of humor about life in general but, this is not what they mean.  Please dispense with the flower crown post haste and consider something like this.  It is important that you not slip any further into THIS territory.  And, oh yeah I almost forgot:  HELL NO for this look.

Love, Wardrobe Whisperer

Standing O or Hell No: Kendall and Kylie Jenner

jennerWhy is it that I am seeing the tan lines on the hip bones of this youngster?  Where is her mother?  No, wait, please do NOT get her mother because she is likely to whip out a pair of scissors and shorten Kendall's skirt up another few feet until it resembles a loin cloth. I'm not sure how many of you have read the superb book, Geek Love by Katherine Dunn.  The premise is that two circus performers take drugs and intentionally reproduce human oddities in order to create a family freak show.  The more I am subjected to the Kardashians/Jenners I wonder if Kris read the book and got up to some hijinks of her own.

Hell No, very very young ladies.  Long sleeves do not give you license to display the parts of you which should remain private.

Standing O or Hell No: The Cannes Film Festival

cate-blanchett-valentino-cannes-2014-e1400265693558I would do hard time with Satan's chain gang if the exchange was to be this gorgeous on earth.  Standing O to both Cate and Valentino for this stunningly successful look.  

Karlie Kloss Cannes 1To me, this image is the functional equivalent of that scene in shows/movies where the guy is laying on his back and the EMT has the dephibrilator on his chest and is yelling "CLEAR!"  (Karlie being the EMT and the dress being the dying dude.)  She is trying so hard to breathe life into this thing but to no avail.  Witness:

Karlie Kloss Cannes 2Karlie gets an honorary Standing O for her hard work but the gown and overall look merit a Hell No (and a D.N.R.).


jane fonda cannesAnd finally a huge Standing O to 76 year old Jane Fonda for out-wearing Angelina Jolie in this sparkly Elie Saab number.  (Jolie wore hers to the Oscars.)  It would not be an easy task to get a leg up in this race given the competition and the age difference (38 years) but somehow Jane pulled it off.

Standing O or Hell No: The Met Gala 2014

lupita metIt must really smart to have fallen from the soaring heights of her fabulous Golden Globe look to the shallow depths of this Prada ensemble worn for Monday night's Met Gala.  I suspect the aftermath was intense bruising and a possible sprain.  Lupita, please break your contract with Prada.  Doctor's orders. It pains me to say this but it pains me even more to look at her in the above get-up:  Hell No, girl.


kate upton met galaHey Kate Upton, the wild west just called.  They are missing a bar maid.  (Hell No.)


karolinaIn my mind, THIS is what you wear to the biggest fashion event of the year (big points for Marchesa!!).  Karolina Kurkova played this perfectly because she BROUGHT IT.  This dress is to the Met Gala as Texas is to the United States.  I adore how unabashedly big and architectural it is.  It speaks FASHION on a night when that is the common parlance.  Additionally, the color is lovely, the print is fabulous, and the neckline is drama incarnate.  She looks gorgeous, fresh, and most importantly, completely on theme ("White Tie and Decorations.")  Standing O!!