Lily-Rose Depp Visually Mic-Drops in Chanel

The magnitude of these ruffles!!

I suppose when you are born to this:

the odds of you being unattractive are extremely slim.  But given all of her inherent advantages in life, need Lily-Rose Depp have been created quite this flawlessly:

You could julienne vegetables with those cheek bones!

Could she not have one merciful imperfection from which the rest of us could take comfort? The answer, clearly, is no.  Not only the unbelievably good genes and the famous/rich parents but today she got to wear the gown in which I regularly float in my dreams to CLOSE THE CHANEL HAUTE COUTURE SHOW (see lead photo).   I’m sure you gleaned from my excessive use of capitals that the most heralded position in a show’s line up is the close. She is only 17.  Is it possible that she has figured out how to channel all of the magic left in the universe directly to her house?  Regardless, let us marvel at the back of this gown and enjoy the proportions of vast ruffles juxtaposed with the tiniest conceivable waist:

Which leads me to my only criticism of this look and it is not of her but rather of the fit of this piece on her.  She is so incredibly tiny that the thick satin belt appeared to orbit her waist like a star to the sun. But I have a solution for this and it’s called a milkshake.  Problem solved.

Standing O or Hell No: People’s Choice Awards

It cannot be denied that girlfriend knows how to work an angle. And I mean that in every conceivable way.

The People’s Choice Awards happened Wednesday night.  What’s that?  You weren’t aware?  Well, apparently no one was except for J Lo who alone brought her A Game.  Let it be said that, like Naomi, she must also collude with The Devil because the years pass by and she remains perfectly…perfect (her love life not withstanding).  Here she looks like the sexiest version of Morticia Addams I have ever seen.  (Drake can be Gomez!) This entire look delights me as does her agelessness: Standing O!

However, aside from J Lo pretty much everyone else failed to dazzle.  And by “failed” I’m specifically referring to this unholy trio:

Everything from the kneecap up should be discarded.

It is never advisable to turn your breasts into a sleep mask.

This will teach her to tango with a Harlequin clown.

Hell No!

Standing O or Hell No: Golden Globes 2017

74th Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Fashion Gods: I’d like to wear this dress for all eternity. Thank you.

I can’t wait until I actually achieve something significant because what I learned on Golden Globes Sunday is that you are a terrifically supportive group!  All day I received messages to this general tune: CONGRATULATIONS! AWARD SEASON IS IN FULL SWING!  It was the functional equivalent of the time my son brought home a life-sized soccer trophy and when I high-fived him for the obviously extraordinary effort he was being commended for, he told me that everyone received one. That being said, even though I cannot take credit for the entirety of the Golden Globes PER SE, in spirit I was inside every dressing room cheering on the attendees.  And so, for that, I will accept your fine congratulations.  Merci!  (Note: I suspect some of your pleasantries were slightly self-serving as many came with an ancillary message suggesting I not “dawdle” in the interest of putting out a timely post.) Without further ado…

Emma Stone in Valentino (above) should be made into an emoji to express the way I feel when I am shot directly into fashion heaven.  I love a pale girl in a pale color, especially a red-head in pink.  She looks incredibly dreamy without playing the princess card.  The stars add to the ethereal feel of this gown and also lend modernity.  And it goes without saying the fit is perfection.  STANDING O!

 

poses in the press room during the 74th Annual Golden Globe Awards at The Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 8, 2017 in Beverly Hills, California.

Attention all home shopping networks: if you have a junk product that you can’t get off your shelves, hire these arms and hands to sell it for you. Problem solved.

Dear trainer of Viola Davis, do you have a spiritual connection with Michelangelo?  Because that is the only way to account for arms this perfect.  This image inspires me to so much, chiefly looking this magnificent in evening wear.  Her beauty is immeasurable and this simple yet bold Michael Kors showcases perfectly her flawlessness.  (Only the merest ding for the dress being ever-so-slightly too long.)  Standing O, Viola!!

 

naomi-campbell-golden-globes-2017

It’s as if Madame Tussauds figured out how to make real live people.

What can Naomi Campbell possibly have left to sell to Satan in order to look this way? There is simply no earthly barter system strong enough to support this level of beauty.  Often I feel Versace skews a little costume-y on the red carpet but it is certainly not the case for this magnificent creation.  It is complicated in all the best ways because never once does it falter in execution.  This is also a case of the exact right dress being worn by the exact right woman: both over-the-top glamorous.  Standing O, Naomi (assist by Beelzbub)!

 

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 08: 74th ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS -- Pictured: Actress Mandy Moore arrives to the 74th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 8, 2017. (Photo by Neilson Barnard/NBCUniversal/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Demonstrating that Moore is more.

A sheer cape and a plunging neckline?  You have my attention. If that’s the train, I’m climbing aboard!  I’m so in favor of  the direction this look took from the exquisitely draped Naeem Khan gown to the drop earrings to the fresh and lovely make-up and chic hair.  Standing O!

 

Nothing Negga-tive here. (Sorry.)

Nothing Negga-tive here. (Sorry.)

The topography of Ruth Negga’s face is such that I could stare at her all day.  She epitomizes modern beauty to me while still retaining a hint of flapper.  I fully support her choice to wear this modern Louis Vuitton column dress that made her look, very appropriately, statuesque.  Standing O!

 

drew-barrymore-globes-09jan17-05

We’ve come a long way from Bjork’s dead swan dress.

For me, this Monique Lhuillier dress is a gentle nod to the swan Givenchy that Florence (and The Machines) wore to the Grammys a few years back – which I adored.  Drew Barrymore gives homage to that moment but one-ups it by looking resplendent in this adaptation.  She is luminous in silver.  Also, the styling is perfect – her black nails and multiple sparkly cocktail rings were the absolute correct move as was her tousled hair and smoky eye make up.  This is Drew at her best.  Standing O!

 

lily-collins

Disney: When you do a goth princess, base her on Lily Collins.

Lily Collins in Zuhair Murad was transcendent.  This dress is obviously a work of art but what brought this look to extraordinary heights is the make up and hair.  Congratulations, L’Oreal for making yourself a boat-load of cash based on this gothic pink/red look.  (Here are the products genius make up artist Fiona Stiles used.)  Let’s get a closer look because this is truly brilliant:

lily-make-up

Sarah Jessica, this is how to use braids in an up do.

 

tiziana-rocca

I can’t find a design credit for this dress. That sentence made me wince because it is a terrible way to treat the word “credit.”

Since everyone else is picking on Anna Chlumsky and Sarah Jessica Parker, I figure Tiziana Rocca is fair game.  To put this into corporate speak, there are many competing interests here.  It’s as if the design team was in a massive argument but agreed to disagree by simply throwing all of their ideas into one dress.  If I had twenty minutes and an excellent seamstress, I’d instruct her to feverishly cut the top of the dress and leave the sweatheart neckline then move onto setting the waist in the right place and cutting out the excess fabric.  I’d rip off her jewelry, add some sparkly rings and a sparkly waist belt and pray that the media only photographed her from the knees up.  Hell No!

Standing O or Hell No: Janelle Monae

janelle-monae-palm-spings-ms-010217The Palm Springs Film Festival happened last night.  Sadly, though, I was in an eggnog-and-holiday-cookie-induced-coma (of sorts) and could not revive in time to pay proper attention. Today I’ve finally sifted through all the white noise related to Mariah Carey and her NYE debacle and have found the festival’s red carpet arrivals! I think I’ve also found the first great dress of 2017 courtesy or Jenny Packham worn by Janelle Monae (above).  As you are all well aware, Janelle wears black and white exclusively and yet never ever looks boring.  What I’m trying to figure out is if this achievement is a greater testament to her personal style or to the timelessness and widespread appeal of a black and white combination.  In either case, this gown is stunning and she is owning this look.  I’m hoping that this is some kind of omen for 2017 letting us know that better things are to come starting with this dress.  Standing O!

Fuel to the Fire

The pleats! The pin stripes! The paisley tie!!

The pleats! The pin stripes! The paisley tie! The DOUBLE BREAST!

Linette Lopez and I have not written together in awhile but that doesn’t mean we haven’t been offended together in awhile.  And so we got our priorities straight (as should you after reading this post) and identified all that needs to be burned from your closet if you work on Wall Street.  Do not delay:

11 Things everyone on Wall Street needs to stop wearing ASAP

Brim Witted

goorin-brothers-fedoraSome weeks I have the same conversation all week long but with each of my clients individually.  The good news is that I’m equipped for this since I have a 6 and a 4 year old and have the same conversation with each of them pretty much every hour.

This past week it was about hats (with my clients, not my kids).  The collective answer to the number one asked question of last week is YES there is a hat out there that suits your face shape.  It takes some trial and error but the people at a good hat shop like Goorin Brothers are willing to assist.  If you don’t want to go hat shopping with me (WHY don’t you want to go with me?!? I’m so much fun!!!! Whatever.  It’s your loss.) and you don’t even want to go into the store, you can educate yourself with this helpful guide about finding the proper style hat for your face shape.  Then browse around and see what you like.  My suggestion in terms of color is that if you have a black or any neutral solid coat, go for a hat with some color.  If your coat is printed or bright, go with a neutral hat.

It’s not for everyone but I recently picked up the plum colored wide-brimmed fedora with ombre band (featured above).  It is so pretty I felt my heart ache when I put it on.  A few other favorites for women:

goorin-bros-green-cloche

An emerald green cloche! You’d have to be a monster not to appreciate this hat.

goorin-bros-red-beret

If it’s good enough for the French, it’s good enough for you. In red! Breathtaking.

goorin-brothers-blair-rogers

I’m not going to deceive you, I have this hat too. In gray. It’s the Blair Rogers and it’s amazing because you can tilt the brim at highly dramatic angles.

A few of my favorites for men:

goorin-bball-cap

I can relate to your love for a baseball cap so why not try one that’s a little less BRANDED. I love this gray wool version. You can still love sports without dedicating head space to it.

goorin-walter-hat

This hat is so old timey in the best possible way. The color is incredible and the structure of this thing is amazing. I’d style it with a tiny red feather through the loop of the bow.  Commit to something, people.

goorin-henry-hat

Such a good brim. You will pray for it to snow so that you can let this handsome hat protect you.

Hung by the chimney with care…

This suggests that indeed care was taken when this stocking was hung by the chimney.

This design suggests that indeed care was taken when this stocking was hung.

And now it’s time for some unsolicited advice from Wardrobe Whisperer (incidentally this seems the only type of advice I’ve been giving these days):

If a man is paying a visit to your home, at no point does he want to view ratty old stockings.  And when I reference men this, of course, includes Santa.  He’s worked hard.  He’s brought you GIFTS.  For the love of all that is good and holy do not have him descend your chimney to find your reindeer and snowflake embroidered stocking from when you were two.  That stocking’s memory should live on but its corpse should be tossed atop the yule log.  Bottom line: it’s time for an upgrade.  Kim Seybert appears to be the type of woman who understands the importance of this act of common decency.  Witness her pearl fringe stocking above as well as a selection of some of her other beauties below:

We all need more ombre in our lives. Santa is not immune.

We all need more ombre in our lives. Santa is not immune.

kim-seybert-stocking-3

As a strategy, getting an expensive stocking is brilliant because the stuffer is then forced to raise the bar on the stuffing.

These ends justify the means

img_5259

Fitting a favorite in a Boss black satin jumpsuit.

If Justification was a college course, there would be a bidding war for my professorial services.  Obviously this is a critical job function for me and therefore a skill I have spent time cultivating.  The fact is that no one likes to feel guilty about spending hard earned money and so often my role is to gently permission them.  This has never been easier than at a recent event where I teamed up with Goldman Sachs, Hugo Boss, and the Susan Komen Foundation to raise money for cancer research…by shopping of course!

An infallible mantra I adopted for the evening: Stop thinking of yourself and start shopping for charity!

Luckily attendees were good sports and took this (questionable) logic to heart which equated to a good bit of financial support for the foundation.  Success!  (Note to readers: it might also have helped that I was double-fisting bottles of persecco and pouring liberally while simultaneously doing on the spot styling and fittings.  Just a hunch.)

 

You can be selfish…or you can take selfies

Killing it softly...very softly since he's in the elevator

Killing it softly…very softly since he’s in the elevator

Not everything that happens in the elevator of an investment bank is as nefarious as John Lefevre’s 2015 @GSElevator book Straight to Hell would have you believe.  In fact, I have proof of the opposite.  One of my most favorite banking clients uses his elevator time not to discuss deviance, debauchery, and billion-dollar deals (the subtitle of the aforementioned book) instead, he uses the time to send me elevator selfies!  This guy is such a team player (team Wardrobe Whisperer, that is) that he regularly posts me on what combinations he has chosen from his look book.  No doubt this man understands that a visual high-five of this nature not only keeps a stylist happy but also on her toes!  Here are a few more examples for your viewing pleasure:

Giving all new meaning to the term "tie game."

Giving all new meaning to the term “tie game.”

Not only am I not talking trash, I'm blocking you out with these headphones.

Not only am I not talking trash, I’m blocking you out with these headphones.

Blue Steel at its finest.

Blue Steel at its finest.

Standing O or Hell No: Elise Neil

2016 Soul Train Music Awards - Red Carpet

Elise and I happen to have the same look on our faces right now.

I have a lot of anxiety about tomorrow’s elections because, well, I am going to be horrified regardless of who wins.  And so I am going to lash out the only way I know how: through fashion via this unsuspecting victim, Elise Neil.  This is a classic case of wrong place, wrong time.

I get that this is the Soul Train awards but I’m fairly certain that no one meant for the Train part to be literal.  And to double down on that notion seems incredibly uncalled for.  What in the flying freak is happening here?  It’s like some sort of reverse platypus.  Even Elvis knew not to go this far and he isn’t typically thought of as a man full of restraint.  Is there a tiny maid of honor hiding somewhere to hold these trains for her when she walks?  Maybe that tiny maid of honor could also play a tiny violin for her when she gets thrown on every worst-dressed list known to man.

The Wardrobe Whisperer is not typically this negative but I had to expel some of my inner fear and stress.  Thank you, dear readers, for this therapeutic session.  Unlike the election, at this point there is little question which way this post is going to swing: Hell No, Elise.  You are so much better than this.

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