Hung by the chimney with care…

This suggests that indeed care was taken when this stocking was hung by the chimney.

This design suggests that indeed care was taken when this stocking was hung.

And now it’s time for some unsolicited advice from Wardrobe Whisperer (incidentally this seems the only type of advice I’ve been giving these days):

If a man is paying a visit to your home, at no point does he want to view ratty old stockings.  And when I reference men this, of course, includes Santa.  He’s worked hard.  He’s brought you GIFTS.  For the love of all that is good and holy do not have him descend your chimney to find your reindeer and snowflake embroidered stocking from when you were two.  That stocking’s memory should live on but its corpse should be tossed atop the yule log.  Bottom line: it’s time for an upgrade.  Kim Seybert appears to be the type of woman who understands the importance of this act of common decency.  Witness her pearl fringe stocking above as well as a selection of some of her other beauties below:

We all need more ombre in our lives. Santa is not immune.

We all need more ombre in our lives. Santa is not immune.

kim-seybert-stocking-3

As a strategy, getting an expensive stocking is brilliant because the stuffer is then forced to raise the bar on the stuffing.

These ends justify the means

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Fitting a favorite in a Boss black satin jumpsuit.

If Justification was a college course, there would be a bidding war for my professorial services.  Obviously this is a critical job function for me and therefore a skill I have spent time cultivating.  The fact is that no one likes to feel guilty about spending hard earned money and so often my role is to gently permission them.  This has never been easier than at a recent event where I teamed up with Goldman Sachs, Hugo Boss, and the Susan Komen Foundation to raise money for cancer research…by shopping of course!

An infallible mantra I adopted for the evening: Stop thinking of yourself and start shopping for charity!

Luckily attendees were good sports and took this (questionable) logic to heart which equated to a good bit of financial support for the foundation.  Success!  (Note to readers: it might also have helped that I was double-fisting bottles of persecco and pouring liberally while simultaneously doing on the spot styling and fittings.  Just a hunch.)

 

You can be selfish…or you can take selfies

Killing it softly...very softly since he's in the elevator

Killing it softly…very softly since he’s in the elevator

Not everything that happens in the elevator of an investment bank is as nefarious as John Lefevre’s 2015 @GSElevator book Straight to Hell would have you believe.  In fact, I have proof of the opposite.  One of my most favorite banking clients uses his elevator time not to discuss deviance, debauchery, and billion-dollar deals (the subtitle of the aforementioned book) instead, he uses the time to send me elevator selfies!  This guy is such a team player (team Wardrobe Whisperer, that is) that he regularly posts me on what combinations he has chosen from his look book.  No doubt this man understands that a visual high-five of this nature not only keeps a stylist happy but also on her toes!  Here are a few more examples for your viewing pleasure:

Giving all new meaning to the term "tie game."

Giving all new meaning to the term “tie game.”

Not only am I not talking trash, I'm blocking you out with these headphones.

Not only am I not talking trash, I’m blocking you out with these headphones.

Blue Steel at its finest.

Blue Steel at its finest.

Standing O or Hell No: Elise Neil

2016 Soul Train Music Awards - Red Carpet

Elise and I happen to have the same look on our faces right now.

I have a lot of anxiety about tomorrow’s elections because, well, I am going to be horrified regardless of who wins.  And so I am going to lash out the only way I know how: through fashion via this unsuspecting victim, Elise Neil.  This is a classic case of wrong place, wrong time.

I get that this is the Soul Train awards but I’m fairly certain that no one meant for the Train part to be literal.  And to double down on that notion seems incredibly uncalled for.  What in the flying freak is happening here?  It’s like some sort of reverse platypus.  Even Elvis knew not to go this far and he isn’t typically thought of as a man full of restraint.  Is there a tiny maid of honor hiding somewhere to hold these trains for her when she walks?  Maybe that tiny maid of honor could also play a tiny violin for her when she gets thrown on every worst-dressed list known to man.

The Wardrobe Whisperer is not typically this negative but I had to expel some of my inner fear and stress.  Thank you, dear readers, for this therapeutic session.  Unlike the election, at this point there is little question which way this post is going to swing: Hell No, Elise.  You are so much better than this.

Ensconced in Velvet

velvet_vintagerose_angle

100% chance of clear skies required.

I admit to having a lot of weaknesses so try not to be too judgey.  Let’s narrow things down by focusing on my fashion weaknesses since, frankly, they are easier to classify.  These include, but are certainly not limited to:

  1. Polka dots
  2. Patterned shoes (hell – patterns in general)
  3. Anything that is “mixed media” (i.e. a piece that incorporates more than one medium)
  4. VELVET VELVET VELVET
  5. Did I mention VELVET?

To quote Oasis: I don’t believe there’s anybody who feels the way I do about you now.

To quote George Costanza: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.

I’m having trouble restraining myself over all of the velvet options presently available.  As long as we are talking about weaknesses, I have an especially severe weakness for this antique rose colored velvet that I’m seeing everywhere.  Witness the Hachiro Velvet Bootie by Joie pictured above.  To hell with the fact that the mere suggestion of rain will ruin these lovelies! I will throw caution to the wind! (Dear God, please only send wind.  No rain.  Or anything else wet.  Thank you.)

Some other options in this dusty pink shade:

Steve Madden Dainna V for less than $100

Steve Madden Dainna V for less than $100

Oscar de la Renta Gata Velvet Mary Jane Pumps for much more than $100

Oscar de la Renta Gata Velvet Mary Jane Pumps for much more than $100

Valentino Ballet Fever Velvet Sandals (velvet sandals make NO sense but who is going to argue with Valentino?)

Valentino Ballet Fever Velvet Sandals (velvet sandals make NO sense but who is going to argue with Valentino?)

Recently I was called a “temptress” by one of my clients and it delighted me to no end.  Perhaps this was because in my role as temptress I can focus on YOUR weaknesses instead of mine.  And that’s about as deep as the Wardrobe Whisperer will ever get with you.  The end.

When I say I have a Grammy, this is what I mean

This stance is life itself.

This stance is life itself.

My 91 year old grandma lives in an area of the country where camouflage is its own clothing group like, say, tops or trousers.  This is a place of (VERY!!) informal dress.  And yet to a recent dinner event she wore the above.  (There should be no question who the Wardrobe Whisperer takes after.)  Not only did she just “spruce up” (her term) she went the extra mile: SEQUINS, people, and MINK and FINE JEWELS!!!  It’s a wonder she didn’t pull on her opera gloves.  I adore this woman.  Let’s get another look sans mink stole so we can experience the sequins in their full glory:

gram-1

Further, there are few people from whom I’m excited to receive hand-me-downs but my gram is at the top of that list.  Of my favorite pieces bequeathed from her closet:

  1. A white shadow mink coat with ice blue satin lining and  – added bonus – ice blue VELVET lined pockets (PURE LUXURY)
  2. A floor length cheetah print gown with side slit that I have worn on more occasions than I can count; Given the dress’s silhouette, the last time I wore it there was a lot of speculation over how hot my grandmother must be
  3. A black silk crepe de chine cocktail dress with silk voile overlay
  4. A matching leopard print hat/muff both of which are exquisite and timeless

There are no more beautiful words than these spoken by my Grammy, “Jessie, let’s go to the attic and find some treasures!”  Let’s end this post with a closer look at this darling creature.  Here’s me and my girl this summer on an outing for cool treats:

This giant ice cream sundae cost $3 and was loaded with every good thing on earth.

This giant ice cream sundae cost $3 and was loaded with every good thing on earth including something called WET WALNUTS.

 

 

How To Style A Pumpkin

octopus-pumpkin-2016

Don’t worry about that eighth tentacle, I’m not DaVinci for Pete’s sakes!

I learned a few critical things this year at my annual pumpkin carving party:

  1. When in doubt, cut it out
  2. Apple cider and amaretto is the nectar of the gods
  3. It is way more fun to carve a design than to scrape a design into your pumpkin as I did this year (above)
  4. This song is the perfect accompaniment for carving (Thanks, Johnny)

As usual, it was like an episode of America’s Got Talent up in my kitchen. Witness last night’s output:

pumpkins-2016

Happy Halloween a few weeks early!

 

Oh the Inequity

I might even be convinced to see a remake of Glitter if these foxes were in it.

In the spirit of the season, I wish the internet could elect a Homecoming King and Queen.  These two would have my vote for sure.  Even though their film, Keeping Up With the Joneses, looks like sheer and utter nonsense, they make a compelling visual case to go and see it anyway.  What on God’s green earth do you think their mothers fed them for breakfast when they were children?  Bars of pure gold sprinkled with beauty dust?  It’s inconceivable that this much genetic favor was bestowed on just two human beings.  Speaking of God, if He was being fair he could’ve spread the bounty out a bit more evenly among the rest of us.

Besides their intrinsic beauty, each of these two is KILLING IT in the wardrobe department.  I’m not sure who Jon Hamm’s current stylist is since he’s worked with a few folks but he continues to be the inspiration for how all men should look in suits.  As for Gal Gadot, I know she works with Micaela Erlanger who is extremely talented not to mention a beauty in her own right.  This D&G dress that she chose is off the charts amazing.  It is so flawless and well made/worn that it looks liquid and I applaud that the shoes pick up where the dress leaves off – with more sparkly silver.  I wouldn’t have minded earrings or a cocktail ring but letting the dress shine (literally and figuratively) was a great move.  And an even better move would be for Gal Gadot to keep hold of Jon Hamm’s hand.  He, in that suit, is a better accessory than any stylist or starlet could ever get a hold of.

Real Princesses Wear Red

2016 Royal Tour To Canada Of The Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge - Vancouver, British Columbia

It feels like 99% of girls under the age of 6 dress up as a princess for Halloween.  As a mother of a 4 year old who has chosen to be a princess for the last three years, I’ve questioned the imagination (or lack thereof) in this choice.  Recently, however, its wisdom is becoming evident as I’ve been feeling the need to dress up as the Duchess of Cambridge.  In this Alexander McQueen dress specifically.  With those red shoes (RED!! She never does red).  And also that bag because it ties in perfectly with those darling shoes.  I may go bolder with my earrings but I am privy to the latitude granted by not having a Queen constantly breathing down my neck.

I love this photo because Kate seems stoked to be pimping this outfit.  I feel like she’s going to take one more step and then jump and click her heels together.  (Is it possible that I’m projecting??)  Her recent Royal Canadian Tour, from which this photo was taken, was such a sartorial success and I attribute this to the incorporation of red in her travel wardrobe. (Thank you Canada for having super national colors!!)  In addition to the McQueen above, we saw her in a red Carolina Herrera coat, a red Preen cocktail dress, and even a red Really Wild sweater.  (Her D&G wasn’t red but it WAS gorgeous so peep it here!) It’s my belief that the red infusion made her this ecstatic and therefore she should wear it often.

Dear Disney, please note that real princesses wear red.  Your next princess must don this royal color. Thank you.

Love,

Wardrobe Whisperer

 

Who Should Rock It: Jason Wu

SS17 JASON WU

In the immortal words of The Bangles, it’s just another manic Monday.  I’ve lived three lives since 6am and have little energy remaining for the rest of the 96 things on today’s To Do list.  All of this running around and catching up has got me craving a few things:

  1. Coffee (which may or may not include a healthy shot of Kahlua)
  2. A closet stuffed with all of the pieces I’ve fallen in love with from NY Fashion Week (yes, I am STILL reviewing the shows I missed)
  3. A break

Naturally I’ll begin with number three because it’s common knowledge that procrastination solves everything!  Let’s play Who Should Rock It sampling from the Jason Wu Spring 2017 Ready to Wear collection.  First up is the above.  It’s my A1 favorite from this collection.  This mix of colors is astounding!  I nominate Cate Blanchett to wear this because it is fun and colorful and modern – as is her style.

 

SS17 JASON WUThis look requires long legs and great shoulders.  A sinewy beauty like Amal Clooney would stun in this.  I can see her carrying a tote and a cardi and sashaying into the office.

 

SS17 JASON WUI could see Diane Kruger in this one.  Probably because I already saw Diane Kruger in this one:

Saks Fifth Avenue + Vanity Fair: 2016 International Best Dressed List CelebrationSide note: you only throw your hip out like that if something isn’t quite snug enough in the torso.  I want to correct that fit issue and also shorten this a tad.  Oh – and style it with the bright orange and white two-piece sandals Wu had in his show.

 

SS17 JASON WUThis model’s skin looks translucent against this gorgeous yellow.  Gabrielle Union would be my pick to do this color justice.  However, I would caution her against omitting undergarments as was the choice here.  I feel like I am looking straight through to her soul.

 

NEW YORK FASHION WEEK SS2017This one is so sleek but with such a light-hearted playfulness.  Emily Blunt?  Constance Zimmer??  Thoughts?

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