Standing O or Hell No: Janelle Monae

janelle-monae-palm-spings-ms-010217The Palm Springs Film Festival happened last night.  Sadly, though, I was in an eggnog-and-holiday-cookie-induced-coma (of sorts) and could not revive in time to pay proper attention. Today I’ve finally sifted through all the white noise related to Mariah Carey and her NYE debacle and have found the festival’s red carpet arrivals! I think I’ve also found the first great dress of 2017 courtesy or Jenny Packham worn by Janelle Monae (above).  As you are all well aware, Janelle wears black and white exclusively and yet never ever looks boring.  What I’m trying to figure out is if this achievement is a greater testament to her personal style or to the timelessness and widespread appeal of a black and white combination.  In either case, this gown is stunning and she is owning this look.  I’m hoping that this is some kind of omen for 2017 letting us know that better things are to come starting with this dress.  Standing O!

Fuel to the Fire

The pleats! The pin stripes! The paisley tie!!

The pleats! The pin stripes! The paisley tie! The DOUBLE BREAST!

Linette Lopez and I have not written together in awhile but that doesn’t mean we haven’t been offended together in awhile.  And so we got our priorities straight (as should you after reading this post) and identified all that needs to be burned from your closet if you work on Wall Street.  Do not delay:

11 Things everyone on Wall Street needs to stop wearing ASAP

Brim Witted

goorin-brothers-fedoraSome weeks I have the same conversation all week long but with each of my clients individually.  The good news is that I’m equipped for this since I have a 6 and a 4 year old and have the same conversation with each of them pretty much every hour.

This past week it was about hats (with my clients, not my kids).  The collective answer to the number one asked question of last week is YES there is a hat out there that suits your face shape.  It takes some trial and error but the people at a good hat shop like Goorin Brothers are willing to assist.  If you don’t want to go hat shopping with me (WHY don’t you want to go with me?!? I’m so much fun!!!! Whatever.  It’s your loss.) and you don’t even want to go into the store, you can educate yourself with this helpful guide about finding the proper style hat for your face shape.  Then browse around and see what you like.  My suggestion in terms of color is that if you have a black or any neutral solid coat, go for a hat with some color.  If your coat is printed or bright, go with a neutral hat.

It’s not for everyone but I recently picked up the plum colored wide-brimmed fedora with ombre band (featured above).  It is so pretty I felt my heart ache when I put it on.  A few other favorites for women:

goorin-bros-green-cloche

An emerald green cloche! You’d have to be a monster not to appreciate this hat.

goorin-bros-red-beret

If it’s good enough for the French, it’s good enough for you. In red! Breathtaking.

goorin-brothers-blair-rogers

I’m not going to deceive you, I have this hat too. In gray. It’s the Blair Rogers and it’s amazing because you can tilt the brim at highly dramatic angles.

A few of my favorites for men:

goorin-bball-cap

I can relate to your love for a baseball cap so why not try one that’s a little less BRANDED. I love this gray wool version. You can still love sports without dedicating head space to it.

goorin-walter-hat

This hat is so old timey in the best possible way. The color is incredible and the structure of this thing is amazing. I’d style it with a tiny red feather through the loop of the bow.  Commit to something, people.

goorin-henry-hat

Such a good brim. You will pray for it to snow so that you can let this handsome hat protect you.

Hung by the chimney with care…

This suggests that indeed care was taken when this stocking was hung by the chimney.

This design suggests that indeed care was taken when this stocking was hung.

And now it’s time for some unsolicited advice from Wardrobe Whisperer (incidentally this seems the only type of advice I’ve been giving these days):

If a man is paying a visit to your home, at no point does he want to view ratty old stockings.  And when I reference men this, of course, includes Santa.  He’s worked hard.  He’s brought you GIFTS.  For the love of all that is good and holy do not have him descend your chimney to find your reindeer and snowflake embroidered stocking from when you were two.  That stocking’s memory should live on but its corpse should be tossed atop the yule log.  Bottom line: it’s time for an upgrade.  Kim Seybert appears to be the type of woman who understands the importance of this act of common decency.  Witness her pearl fringe stocking above as well as a selection of some of her other beauties below:

We all need more ombre in our lives. Santa is not immune.

We all need more ombre in our lives. Santa is not immune.

kim-seybert-stocking-3

As a strategy, getting an expensive stocking is brilliant because the stuffer is then forced to raise the bar on the stuffing.

These ends justify the means

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Fitting a favorite in a Boss black satin jumpsuit.

If Justification was a college course, there would be a bidding war for my professorial services.  Obviously this is a critical job function for me and therefore a skill I have spent time cultivating.  The fact is that no one likes to feel guilty about spending hard earned money and so often my role is to gently permission them.  This has never been easier than at a recent event where I teamed up with Goldman Sachs, Hugo Boss, and the Susan Komen Foundation to raise money for cancer research…by shopping of course!

An infallible mantra I adopted for the evening: Stop thinking of yourself and start shopping for charity!

Luckily attendees were good sports and took this (questionable) logic to heart which equated to a good bit of financial support for the foundation.  Success!  (Note to readers: it might also have helped that I was double-fisting bottles of persecco and pouring liberally while simultaneously doing on the spot styling and fittings.  Just a hunch.)

 

You can be selfish…or you can take selfies

Killing it softly...very softly since he's in the elevator

Killing it softly…very softly since he’s in the elevator

Not everything that happens in the elevator of an investment bank is as nefarious as John Lefevre’s 2015 @GSElevator book Straight to Hell would have you believe.  In fact, I have proof of the opposite.  One of my most favorite banking clients uses his elevator time not to discuss deviance, debauchery, and billion-dollar deals (the subtitle of the aforementioned book) instead, he uses the time to send me elevator selfies!  This guy is such a team player (team Wardrobe Whisperer, that is) that he regularly posts me on what combinations he has chosen from his look book.  No doubt this man understands that a visual high-five of this nature not only keeps a stylist happy but also on her toes!  Here are a few more examples for your viewing pleasure:

Giving all new meaning to the term "tie game."

Giving all new meaning to the term “tie game.”

Not only am I not talking trash, I'm blocking you out with these headphones.

Not only am I not talking trash, I’m blocking you out with these headphones.

Blue Steel at its finest.

Blue Steel at its finest.

Standing O or Hell No: Elise Neil

2016 Soul Train Music Awards - Red Carpet

Elise and I happen to have the same look on our faces right now.

I have a lot of anxiety about tomorrow’s elections because, well, I am going to be horrified regardless of who wins.  And so I am going to lash out the only way I know how: through fashion via this unsuspecting victim, Elise Neil.  This is a classic case of wrong place, wrong time.

I get that this is the Soul Train awards but I’m fairly certain that no one meant for the Train part to be literal.  And to double down on that notion seems incredibly uncalled for.  What in the flying freak is happening here?  It’s like some sort of reverse platypus.  Even Elvis knew not to go this far and he isn’t typically thought of as a man full of restraint.  Is there a tiny maid of honor hiding somewhere to hold these trains for her when she walks?  Maybe that tiny maid of honor could also play a tiny violin for her when she gets thrown on every worst-dressed list known to man.

The Wardrobe Whisperer is not typically this negative but I had to expel some of my inner fear and stress.  Thank you, dear readers, for this therapeutic session.  Unlike the election, at this point there is little question which way this post is going to swing: Hell No, Elise.  You are so much better than this.

Ensconced in Velvet

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100% chance of clear skies required.

I admit to having a lot of weaknesses so try not to be too judgey.  Let’s narrow things down by focusing on my fashion weaknesses since, frankly, they are easier to classify.  These include, but are certainly not limited to:

  1. Polka dots
  2. Patterned shoes (hell – patterns in general)
  3. Anything that is “mixed media” (i.e. a piece that incorporates more than one medium)
  4. VELVET VELVET VELVET
  5. Did I mention VELVET?

To quote Oasis: I don’t believe there’s anybody who feels the way I do about you now.

To quote George Costanza: I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.

I’m having trouble restraining myself over all of the velvet options presently available.  As long as we are talking about weaknesses, I have an especially severe weakness for this antique rose colored velvet that I’m seeing everywhere.  Witness the Hachiro Velvet Bootie by Joie pictured above.  To hell with the fact that the mere suggestion of rain will ruin these lovelies! I will throw caution to the wind! (Dear God, please only send wind.  No rain.  Or anything else wet.  Thank you.)

Some other options in this dusty pink shade:

Steve Madden Dainna V for less than $100

Steve Madden Dainna V for less than $100

Oscar de la Renta Gata Velvet Mary Jane Pumps for much more than $100

Oscar de la Renta Gata Velvet Mary Jane Pumps for much more than $100

Valentino Ballet Fever Velvet Sandals (velvet sandals make NO sense but who is going to argue with Valentino?)

Valentino Ballet Fever Velvet Sandals (velvet sandals make NO sense but who is going to argue with Valentino?)

Recently I was called a “temptress” by one of my clients and it delighted me to no end.  Perhaps this was because in my role as temptress I can focus on YOUR weaknesses instead of mine.  And that’s about as deep as the Wardrobe Whisperer will ever get with you.  The end.

When I say I have a Grammy, this is what I mean

This stance is life itself.

This stance is life itself.

My 91 year old grandma lives in an area of the country where camouflage is its own clothing group like, say, tops or trousers.  This is a place of (VERY!!) informal dress.  And yet to a recent dinner event she wore the above.  (There should be no question who the Wardrobe Whisperer takes after.)  Not only did she just “spruce up” (her term) she went the extra mile: SEQUINS, people, and MINK and FINE JEWELS!!!  It’s a wonder she didn’t pull on her opera gloves.  I adore this woman.  Let’s get another look sans mink stole so we can experience the sequins in their full glory:

gram-1

Further, there are few people from whom I’m excited to receive hand-me-downs but my gram is at the top of that list.  Of my favorite pieces bequeathed from her closet:

  1. A white shadow mink coat with ice blue satin lining and  – added bonus – ice blue VELVET lined pockets (PURE LUXURY)
  2. A floor length cheetah print gown with side slit that I have worn on more occasions than I can count; Given the dress’s silhouette, the last time I wore it there was a lot of speculation over how hot my grandmother must be
  3. A black silk crepe de chine cocktail dress with silk voile overlay
  4. A matching leopard print hat/muff both of which are exquisite and timeless

There are no more beautiful words than these spoken by my Grammy, “Jessie, let’s go to the attic and find some treasures!”  Let’s end this post with a closer look at this darling creature.  Here’s me and my girl this summer on an outing for cool treats:

This giant ice cream sundae cost $3 and was loaded with every good thing on earth.

This giant ice cream sundae cost $3 and was loaded with every good thing on earth including something called WET WALNUTS.

 

 

How To Style A Pumpkin

octopus-pumpkin-2016

Don’t worry about that eighth tentacle, I’m not DaVinci for Pete’s sakes!

I learned a few critical things this year at my annual pumpkin carving party:

  1. When in doubt, cut it out
  2. Apple cider and amaretto is the nectar of the gods
  3. It is way more fun to carve a design than to scrape a design into your pumpkin as I did this year (above)
  4. This song is the perfect accompaniment for carving (Thanks, Johnny)

As usual, it was like an episode of America’s Got Talent up in my kitchen. Witness last night’s output:

pumpkins-2016

Happy Halloween a few weeks early!

 

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