Standing O or Hell No: Oscars 2018


ZENDAYA ON FIRE!!!!!!! (Pronounced Fi-Ya of course.)

Due to the fact that I was traveling I did not watch the Academy Awards red carpet last night.  Of course I was monitoring every arrival and refreshing the feed with such urgency that my phone felt like a burning ember; But still, to me, this was like waking up on December 26th and realizing that OOOOOPS I missed Christmas. I am less sad, however, about missing the actual show.  As Drew Magary hilariously points out in his Hater’s Guide to the Oscars, “…if you go by the analytics, sleeping through the Oscars is always the correct decision.  The data is ironclad.”  He observes that there was no way the Academy would allow anything akin to the amazing and amusing Best Picture snafu of last year and so it was far better to just hedge and snooze instead.  To his point, I was already caught up by 12:01 am.

An unintended yet joyful consequence of the all-black Golden Globes and BAFTAs is the collective feeling of Oh Yay The Color Hunger Strike is Over!  Let’s review what happened last night and let’s start with Zendaya (above) in her creamy brown Giambattista Valli. This look was a feast for my hungry eyes.  Brown is pretty unexpected for the red carpet (and reminds me of chocolate which is a bonus) and her execution was utterly flawless.  I have stared at her for far longer than I feel comfortable admitting.  Standing O!

I fainted when I saw Zendaya and then was revived and fainted again when I saw Nicole:

This entire look is: How To Dress for the Red Carpet When You Are a Movie Star.  I might not have selected that specific black shoe but as for the dress, Armani is displaying its best here. I love that this was styled simply with diamond chandelier earrings and Nicole’s lovliness was the center piece.  Standing O!

The banquet of beauty did not end there.  To mix metaphors, let’s march through the Standing O Hit Parade:

Dressing to match Oscar is typically a good formula as evidenced by Jennifer Lawrence in Dior. Standing O and please always wear your hair like that!

 

Returning to the wisdom of wearing gold to the AA, Lupita looks like royalty in Versace. Standing O, Queen!

 

Calvin Klein shows his mettle again with this super simple yet super elegant look for Laura Dern.  Plus her hair looks superior! Standing O!

 

Please, Helen, teach me your ways. Standing O! And I remain on my feet for you forevermore.

 

Another Armani Prive with A++ grades. Octavia Spencer is heavenly. Standing O!

(Sounds of clapping and shouts of STANDING O fade out.)  It never delights me to ding those who missed their fashion mark but these posts require a Hell No portion or I will have to re-title them.

 

One can admire Andra Day’s commitment to this look but one cannot transcend how awful it is. Hell No!

 

Following the old adage of if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all…(Sounds of crickets chirping something that sounds a lot like Hell No.)

 

Returning to the metaphor of the Oscars as a feast, Blanca Bianco seemed to skip the appetizer, have a meager main course, and only eat half of her dessert. Hell No.

 

This look smacks of the same desperation and intent as when Scarlett O’Hara rips down the drapes to create her famous green gown. Except that Scarlett’s gown was lovely. Hell No, Whoopi.