Standing O, Hell No, or So-So: Cannes 2017

Apologies for interrupting a show already in progress: The Cannes Film Festival.  But I continue to receive a multitude of texts to the tune of:

“Cannes you please stop everything and blog some dresses?”

Faithful readers know I am incapable of ignoring a pun and so I will jump in late with a mini-review…

A few years ago I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in 20 years and her belly was protruding; So confident was I in my assumptions that I sang out “BABY!!!” and rubbed her stomach only to part ways and later discover she was NOT pregnant.  I had a similar overwhelming confidence when I viewed Nicole Kidman’s silver frock above.  I would’ve sworn it was a Gucci then learned it’s a Rodarte.  I need to quit being so cocky.  As I’m working on that, let’s call this So-So and move on to this:

Like Glenn Close in Basic Instinct, this Michael Cinco dress WILL NOT BE IGNORED.  Rightfully, it should not be ignored, for it is a wondrous thing. Witness Aishwarya Rai from this vantage point:

Standing O.

Speaking of vantage points…

When I was a child I remember being told that Satan takes on many forms. That frightened me.  Clearly I had no idea what true terror lurked out there because this Alexandre Vauthier hadn’t yet been designed.  It seems a fitting time to evoke Hell as in Hell No.

 

If Versace needed to update its resume, my suggestion would be to simply insert this photo of Uma Thurman. The technical fashion term “amaze-balls” comes to mind here.  What also comes to mind is Naomi Campbell wearing another version of this dress to the Golden Globes and also killing it.   Standing O.

A few things a stylist “buys” on a Monday

I’d rather swim all day in a heavily chlorinated pool with my eyes and mouth wide open than to sit for an hour in Starbucks.  I’m not sure what lies within the fumes of their coffee but each and every time I go there I stagger out nauseated and in need of fresh air. It’s the closest spot with free WiFi and has outlets galore, though, and so there is no end in sight to my suffering.

That intro has nothing to do with actual fashion, only my efforts to write about fashion. Which, in this environment have been seriously hampered.  So allow me not to tax my brain (or airways) further.  Let’s just look at the items that I helped people buy today.  It’s much more fun (and less toxic):

This photo requires no caption.

Gucci Ophelia Ankle Strap Sandals

Summer pocket square by Simmonet Godard

John Vizzone Suit

Gauchere pleated midi skirt

OK, no one actually bought this $3K Alice Archer kimono but I’m going on record to say I love it.

Standing O, So-So, or Hell No: MTV Movie/TV Awards

It’s a universal truth that if you attend an MTV event it is mandatory that you select your outfit from the following categories:

  1. See-through
  2. Micro mini
  3. Replete with sequins and/or gems
  4. Metallic
  5. Skin tight
  6. Confusing

Apparently Cara Delevingne (above) was coerced by Saint Laurent to submit to each and every grouping. However, while I don’t typically recommend shaving your head and also matching your lipstick to your boots, somehow her top quarter still looks stunning.  And that, in a nut-shell, is why she is a model.  Overall though: So-So.

Onto my personal favorite: Zendaya

If this Zuhair Murad dress was not entirely see-through then I would have to argue that it was too demure for an MTV event.  However, since her entire body is on full view like a menu in a restaurant window, it indeed satisfies categories #1 and #3 and is therefore acceptable fare.  Standing O!

 

Yara Shadidi’s face is absolute perfection.  (Doesn’t she resemble Chilli from TLC?!)  She is a glorious beauty but whereas I covet all of the pieces of her Gucci outfit separately, I’m unconvinced that they should all be playing on the same team.  I’m going to say So-So since each component has extreme independent merit and since this ensemble addresses categories #3, #4, and #6 and since I’d abandon all of my morals and good sense to have 1/10 of her natural beauty.

Another entry for “all of the above” :

Ok, ok, the entire outfit isn’t skin tight but the pants are.  Don’t argue with me.  This insane Balmain concoction is a straight up Hell No.

 

Listen, I LOVE Taraji P and the energy that she always brings to the red (black) carpet.  But even though she has pulled out another A++ hairstyle, I’m afraid her overall look is just a few accessories shy of this:

But still she remains TARAJI-Flipping-P and cannot merit a Hell No.  Instead I will impart a So So.

Standing O, So-So, or Hell No: Met Gala 2017

P Diddy casually (AFFECTEDLY) lounges on the Met Gala stairs to allow (USURP) Cassie’s spotlight.

Throwing a costume ball is always a huge risk considering that the success of the party hinges partially on the creativity of the attendees and their ability to interpret the theme.  Even though Anna Wintour rules the Met Gala guest list with an iron fist (in all likelihood that fist is chain mail), there will always be four classes of people: those who explore the theme and nail it, those who explore the theme and fail it, those who go rogue and do whatever they please, and those who just want to look naked at every event they attend.  (For the last group, my hubs suggested I create a new category: Standing O, Hell No, So-So or Ho.)

This year’s theme was Rei Kawakubo/Comme des Garçons: Art of the In-Between. We could talk about this theme exhaustively (please let us!) but I suspect you want to see photos so I’ll keep this short.  Rei Kawakubo is first and foremost an artist, clothing happens to be her medium.  She balks at things like conventionality, boundaries, and often beauty and functionality and tends to design interstitial-ly.  This to say that little of her clothing is worn literally (i.e. straight off the runway) however, so much of what we have adopted into our fashion playbooks can be credited to her avant-garde vision.  For instance: black as a fashion color (NY, you should be on your knees), asymmetry, relying heavily on red in design, and wearing oversized garments. Even though you think you might not have ever seen anyone wearing Comme des Garçons, you have.  Any time you see this cute logo, know that is what you are looking at:

OK, back to the Met Gala and the four classes of attendees.  First up, those who explored the theme and nailed it.  Exhibit A: Ri Ri

No one said that good circulation was required for this event.

Not only is Rihanna from the first class of attendees, I think we can universally agree that she won the Met Gala overall.  If you’ve not already guessed this dress is Comme des Garçons and is actually IN THE EXHIBIT.  Sure it has a huge flower saddle bag hanging off her left side but that, folks, IS quintessential Rei Kawakubo à la her lumps and bumps theme.  Remind yourself, dear readers, this is a costume ball.  Standing O!!

Also nailing it in Comme des Garçons:

Of course it’s not flattering, it wasn’t intended to be!

This is so on-brand for Helen Lasichanh.  Note: only 8 party goers, including Helen, were brave enough to wear Comme des Garçons.  Standing O!

On to the second class – those who explored the theme and failed:

Question: do camel-toe shoes hurt as much as camel-toe jeans?

I’m not going to get too rough here, Katy Perry at least explored the theme in this Maison Margiela look.  She went BIG, she went RED, she went avant-garde, and unfortunately she also went a bit overboard.  I still respect her attempt so I’m going to assign her a So-So.

This Something About Mary hair-do would’ve worked better for 2013’s punk themed gala.

Ditto Celine Dion in Atelier Versace.  She tried.  Hard.  This is decidedly avant-garde but she is treading in the waters of Hell No.

Do my eyes deceive or are those shoes also fishnet?

Gigi Hadid’s Tommy Hilfiger is aiming for the “in-between” (gown and suit, masculine and feminine) but reads like a futuristic call girl.  The thigh-high fishnets throw it even further off course.  Hell No.

Third class citizens: those who went rogue.  I will only offer a few examples since this category holds the vast majority of last evening’s guests.

Her extension is very I Dream of Jeannie.

Indeed this is a costume but for a completely different party.  This gown should be going to an event that features an abundance of martinis, cigarettes, and fondue.  J Lo’s Valentino is lovely and she looks great but even though Valentino is an underwriter of the event, she only gets a So-So for ignoring the theme.

 

What does Selena Gomez’s ’90’s-esque Coach gown have to do with the in-between or avant-garde or art as fashion?  This is not a trick question.  The answer, of course, is NOTHING.  At least if you set out to be a non-conformist, my suggestion would be to wear something undeniably pretty or at the very least interesting.  Hell No.

 

It’s true that Miranda Kerr’s Oscar de la Renta also has nothing to do with the night’s theme but it is achingly pretty and I long to make it mine!!  Standing O for the dress and So-So to Miranda for not adhering to the theme other than to bring a red element into her look.

Last, and in this case also least, are those who attend every event looking naked.  They deserve no more air time and so I will give them a group Hell No and let you decide for yourselves:

Standing O or Hell No: Kendall + Hailey at Coachella

Sometimes I feel sorry for things in my wardrobe because I’ve neglected to wear them in awhile.  I’ve come to understand that it’s times like these when I am most susceptible to a sartorial misstep.  My fashion empathy (and my tendency towards personification) get the better of me and I lose my ability to edit.  In these instances, whatever the object of my bleeding heart comes along with me and gets tossed into the mix.  Rarely does said object add value and inevitably I’m forced to confront the day regretting my decision. (Side note:  I think I may have displayed this exact shortcoming while dating in my 20s.)  Could this possibly explain why Kendall Jenner and Hailey Baldwin presented themselves this way? I imagine each started with a sparkly bralette, as one does when preparing for Coachella, and then the outfit-build spiraled out of control when random pieces began tugging on their heart strings.  Or maybe they just ingested mushrooms before getting dressed.

As un-supportive as I am of Hailey’s outfit, it’s Kendall I can’t stop staring at.  I’m trying to make sense of it all, like the morning after a rager, and yet I can’t find the relationship between any two pieces she has on.  The larger looming question is why she would have any one of these pieces in her wardrobe to begin with.  Each item independently is arrant nonsense and as a team downright egregious.  Hell No.

When A Photo Opp is a Missed Opp

Why do I smell melting crayons around here?

If a picture really is worth a thousand words, I feel confident that the main word would be airbrush. Certainly Melania Trump is an attractive woman but even more than usual her official White House portrait makes her look like the Madame Tussaud wax version of herself.  In no way does she look accessible which, I gather, is the actual point of taking a portrait like this. To me she appears less like a hostess of the White House and more like a bouncer at the SoHo House. Case and point: with her arms tightly crossed she’s poised to judge you instead of receive you.

Look, people, this could have been worse. At least she has clothes on.  And those clothes, for all intents and purposes, are appropriate. I just think she could’ve shed some of the (what appears to be) hostility and imbued a little warmth into this shot. In other words, she could’ve tried to appear HUMAN.

 

Did you just call me a dominatrix??

Just one of hundreds of outfits from yesterday’s look book session.

Yesterday my new super-cool-client’s super-cool-and-ridiculously-smart boyfriend informed me that I practice combinatorics. I nodded in emphatic agreement and then asked what the H that means.  His response was too complicated for me to comprehend let alone remember (EVEN THOUGH I AM CLEARLY AN EXPERT IN THIS FIELD) and so I looked it up.  Combinatorics is a branch of mathematics concerning the study of finite or countable discrete structures in order to achieve optimal objects.  So, when I develop a look-book and create near-infinite (I am also an expert at hyperbole!) outfit permutations based on the finite pieces I purchase with my client during a shop, I am really demonstrating amazing mathematical capabilities. It’s no wonder then why I’m sitting here currently waiting for NASA to light up my cell.  As I mull over my genius I believe, therefore, that my new title should be Combinatrix.  It’s got a ring to it, yes?  In fact, I’m praying someone asks me to submit a resume for something (anything!!) so that I can showcase this title and skill.  Don’t be surprised if each and every one of you is updated regarding (and asked to endorse) both of these on LinkedIn.  DO NOT LEAVE ME HANGING!  In the meantime, if any of you want to casually discuss The Pythagorean Theorem or maybe the Laws of Relativity, you know where to find me (obviously by the phone waiting for NASA).

The Kill Shot: Federer Graces GQ

A stone cold fox sitting on what might be an actual stone cold fox. 

This GQ photo is nothing if not a testament to the power of allure inherent to Roger Federer.  Who else, pray tell, could convincingly lounge on a fur throw in white sport socks and corresponding tight white short-shorts while cuddling with a tennis trophy AND SPORTING A BLAZER OVER A T-SHIRT SWEATER COMBO?!  Yet somehow I’m buying what he’s selling even if that boils down to nothing more than his image.

Now let’s get a look at the other photos supporting his I’m-sexy-in-athleisure-image because they are all awesome in their own right:

Sweats + Tennis Sweater + Peak Lapel Blazer = OBVIOUS (to no one but Roger Federer)

In tennis, and in life really, I believe this would be known as the “kill shot.”

Snow suit or swim suit? I think you know my answer.

For the briefest of moments this morning I considered acting like a normal mom and going to the grocery store to stock up on bread and milk.  Then I remembered I’m not normal and bought a swimsuit instead.  This beautiful Zimmerman suit to be exact.  I subscribe to the mode of thought that when Life serves you lemons, make lemonade.  Except for future reference, Life, I’d prefer you serve me lemons rather than 24″ of snow.  Thanks.

Other pretty and forward-looking-suits I considered:

Lisa Marie Fernandez Natalie Bikini

 

Missoni Mare Striped One Piece Halter

 

Malia Jones Criss Cross One Piece Swimsuit

This one is all about the backside (double entendre intended).

I chose mostly one piece swimsuits because perhaps subconsciously I’m afraid of being cold; but I understand that this reasoning is akin to my mom wanting to be buried in a mausoleum because she’s afraid she won’t be able to breathe underground.

Ask Wardrobe Whisperer: Belt + Suspenders?

You can don a belt with your suspenders if your style icon is Bill Lumbergh. And if you match them to your tie, you too can look this good.

Recently I was called in to end a family feud.  It was a father/son showdown regarding suspenders and whether or not they should be worn with a belt.  The answer is that both accessories were designed to keep your pants from falling down and so they should not be worn together.  That would, for us ladies, be like wearing Spanx and a girdle.  Or a bustier and a bra.  A decision must be made between the two.  When settling this particular debate I was tempted to add that a person who feels it necessary to wear both belt AND suspenders might also have some deep-seated trust issues.  But then I reminded myself that no one cares about my psychological interpretations of sartorial conundrums.  (But why is this I wonder?  Is it because I don’t have a psychology degree?  Qualifications smallifications!  I think we can all agree they are irrelevant and unnecessary.)  So if anyone would like to hear more of my psychological analysis, please do contact me directly.  I’m more than happy to spew all sorts of ill informed and misguided nonsense your way.  In the meantime, let’s look at some truly dapper gentlemen who are aware of the no-belt-with-suspenders-rule:

Tattoos optional. Belt not optional.

 

This outfit is luda and yet oddly convincing.

 

Hello, sir.

And no post about suspenders could go without a look in the review mirror at this memorable image:

There isn’t much right about this outfit today but even this d-bag knew not to wear a belt.

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